It had been a few weeks and the pain was still very raw. I decided to ask for healing and an anointing of ease. I’d been wallowing in this mess for weeks and although I prayed, I listened to all of my inner-healing audio books, I never asked for forgiveness for myself. I had also forgiven everyone who’d hurt me, except me. I had to stop for a moment because this “feeling” felt familiar and I’d been here before. Anytime I would have my feelings hurt, I turned into a 5 year old little girl inside.
When I closed eyes, I could see 5 year old me! I was sitting there, in all dirty, mouth covered in tape and tears streaming down my face. My hands just sat in my lap and I looked as if I’d given up on life. I had.
With my eyes still closed, I wanted to reach out to myself but I didn’t know how.
From there, I allowed myself to go to sleep, thinking only about 5 year old me.
When I awaken the next morning, I heard a voice say, “Forgive yourself”. There was a stillness about my house and I heard the voice again….. “Forgive yourself.”
I got up slowly and made it to the bathroom to look in the mirror. I looked like myself and noticed how the dark circles under my eyes, the sunken face from not eating, the puffy eyes from crying on a daily basis and frizzled hair was becoming normal. I began to think about 5 year old me, and I felt the tears coming, so I let them come. With every piece of energy I could find, I uttered the words, “I forgive you.” I did it again, and again, and again, until I was starting to smile through my tears. I managed to tell myself that I’d forgiven myself for not listening to my inner-spirit or gut instinct. I told myself I was sorry for not trusting God and taking things into my own hands. Then I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes. I played a very serene song that put me in the same mood of flowing water, blue skies and blue oceans. I saw 5 year old me, sitting the same position, except this time I saw the adult me, too!
I appeared in a beautiful long, flowing gown like an Olympian goddess queen. My skin, hair, and countenance was radiant. I slowly walked towards 5 year old me and knelt down in front of her. I could see 5 year old me whimpering, shaking and still crying. The adult me gave her a comforting smile and reached up and gently pulled the tape from her mouth. Then, the adult me slowly lifted her into her arms and held her close as she began to cry. I could hear myself tell 5 year old me “It’s ok dear. I’m here now. I will always protect you and take care of you for the rest of your life. With me, you are safe.” The cries of 5 year old me began to subside.
At that moment, I knew I’d forgiven myself for all of the years of self-abuse, abuse I allowed others to inflict on me when I could stop it and I’d forgiven myself for not forgiving myself in the first place.
Healing is enroute!